ATTENTION, READERS!

WE HAVE SOME AMAZING NEWS FOR YOU, SO DON’T CHANGE THE CHANNEL!

Everyone knows that men of power wear hats. This has been true since the time of the ancient Aztecs, where high priests wore big hats and sacrificed a lot of people to a variety of Gods, one of them being named Quetzalcoatl. It is the hat that allows a person to transform from drab to fab, changing a normal and boring old man into a mystical being known as the Pope. Don’t believe me? Then check the comparison below.

This is the Pope without his Pope hat.

This is the Pope with his Pope hat.

This is the Pope with a completely irrelevant hat.

Obviously, the Pope looks much more Pope-ish with his Pope hat than without. Face it, without his Pope hat, the man just looks like your run-of-the-mill elder biker thug grandpa. And that sombrero just makes him look deliciously… Spanish? Sombreros are from Spain, right? A coincidence? I THINK NOT.

As such, we of Oi, Hayaku! have decided to let our readers experience the awesome powers of hats, by holding a sale! Check out our extensive collection of hats obtained from a great variety of places, and be in awe and wonder! Do it soon! Do it today! DO IT NOW, FUCKERS!

Item #1 – The Hat of the Emperor of Emperors

First up, we have a FABULOUS hat that once belonged to the man known as Lelouch vi Britannia, the Emperor of Britannia and the ruler of the world for a little bit before he was assassinated. While the hat was presumed lost in the aftermath, it was in actually picked up by a random straggler, and changed hands numerous times over the years before falling into our hands. This hat can only be called the perfection of art, a divine mixture of white and gold with an ornately decorated red eye in the center, symbolizing the wearer’s omniscience, his view over all. Moreover, for those who want a little bit of pizazz to their wear, it also has a tassel with a green gem attached! Finally, legend has it that the eye on the hat is actually an ancient Egyptian artifact that allows you to control the souls of other people… but you didn’t hear that from me. The Hat of the Emperors of Emperors is for anyone who has class and wants the world to know it. Because sometimes, a crown just isn’t a good enough way to demonstrate your power. Furthermore, just looking at this hat makes you want to have sexual intercourse with the DFC (deliciously fluffy crown)!

Plus, buy the Hat of the Emperor of Emperors and get a limited edition ZERO mask at no extra cost! That’s right, it’s free! The cost is… ZERO! We’re practically handing them out to anyone who buys our products! Astound your friends by dressing up as the Commander of the Order of the Black Knights and showing off your flamboyant moves and poses! Cape and suit not included.

If that’s not enough to convince you, we’re also adding on a spectacular Romantic Ballade His and Hers Hat Set at HALF PRICE! Give one to your lover for Valentine’s Day, or any random holiday you wish to make up on the spot in order to declare your love! Comes with two stunning colors - blue for men and pink for women! Nothing says, “I love you” like one of these!

Now, next up, we have… beanbrew!

Item #2 - The +5 Beret of Moé

Next, we have this set of high quality, excellent condition berets that are guaranteed, guaranteed, to add at least five, that’s an entire five, points to your moé stat. This beret comes in maroon and a limited edition green, with plans for other colours in the near future. The ultimate fashion statement, you will be the talk of every party! Try combining with some of our other products, such as the Zettai Ryouiki Socks of +10 to Hawtness and the Reverse Aging Pills of +5 to Loli! Remember, you may be S.P.E.C.I.A.L., but you also need to be moé!

Hopefully I’ll sell enough to pay for my entry into this little hat show… Uh… What I mean is, next up, Coburn!

Item #3 – The Mayuri Kurotsuchi Special

What’s worse than arriving at the party and finding some other bugger wearing the same hat? Suddenly, you don’t feel so special, so beautiful. After all, your hat isn’t just a gorgeous ornament; your hat tells people who you are. It makes you you. It has to be unique.

So what you need is a hat you can be sure nobody else will ever be wearing. A hat that can be truly yours. A hat so manifestly uncomfortable, so ostentatiously moronic, that only the most daring of fashionistas would dare to don it.

It is for these elite few that we present The Mayuri Kurotsuchi Special. A hat so unbalanced it’ll give you neck pains for the rest of your natural life (just like all the sexy stars!). A hat so pointy it’ll cause security guards to flock around you in a panic (you’ll be the life of the party!). A hat so unnecessarily odd that you just know it’ll always be the only one in the room.

RRP: $3, your left arm, and a kidney

Those without bodyparts available for donation might wish to turn instead to the sublime and reasonably priced wares of Baka-Raptor…

Item #4 – The Stovepipe Hat

Nothing says class, power, and elegance like the stovepipe hat.

…never mind. How about trucker hats instead?

In order to spread awareness of Honking 4 Hotties, I will be donating trucker hats, along with video cameras, to needy lesbians everywhere.

But if you’re not a lesbian, you could always get a hat from Bob, who definitely ISN’T Maggeh using another name!

Item #5 - A Piece of Cloth

Face it - sometimes, good hats are hard to carry around. Yes, they’re stylish and cooler-than-fuck, but do you really want to be lugging around something that’s around the size of a cat? No, sometimes, you need to make a compromise and go with something simple yet devilishly sexy. Like a piece of cloth. A piece of cloth is convenient for anyone! Around your head, it makes you seem hippity and hoppity, just like those youngsters who like to look intimidating. It makes you stand out among the rest.

But that’s not all it can do! You see, a simple piece of cloth will work equally as well when around your mouth! Fool people into thinking that you’re someone else, because NO ONE will be able to tell that it’s you when you’ve got it wrapped around your face!

That man wouldn’t look half as good if it weren’t for those wrappings around his mouth!

And we have so many more things to- Hey, what are you doing? Put down that bloody remote. Put it down! What are you trying to do, change the channel? You don’t want to change the goddamn channel! You want to keep watching this! I’m serious, man! PUT THE FUCKING REMOTE DOWN! You’re too much of a pussy to watch something else and you know it, so spare yourself the pain already!

Wait, you’re not really going to… YOU MOTHERFUCKING JACKASS YOU BETTER NOT PULL THE PLU-