Oi, Hayaku!

Anime fans, otaku, or whatever you want to call them are a varied bunch. We’re scattered all over the globe, we often speak different languages and there’s no doubt that everybody has different tastes and opinions. Still, we do share one obvious thing in common and that is our love - for some, an obsession - with anime.

Yet surely we must share other traits as well but if we do, what are they?

The authors of OH! were asked to reflect on what it means to be an anime fan and then to compile a list of traits that would describe the perfect fan. A super otaku if you will. The result was more terrifying than could ever have been imagined…

Lack of sleep (Lbrevis)

The first thing a super otaku needs is actually the absence of something - the absence of sleep. Imagine how much more you could get done if you had all the hours of the day at your disposal. Of course a super otaku will not spend these hours being productive. He will not get a second job, study at school for longer or volunteer to feed the homeless. Instead the perfect anime fan will spend these extra hours doing what he does best: watching anime.

How will he achieve a total lack of sleep? You may have already guessed it from the way he can spout off the birthdays, blood type and character roles in chronological order of all his favorite voice actors. Or perhaps the tip off was was his awkward interactions with humans or his insistence that exercise and hygiene are entirely unnecessary. Yes, the truth is obvious. The perfect otaku is actually a robot.

Cathode-tannable skin (otou-san)

Be it a TV screen or a computer, an artificial source is likely to be the only light to which our subject will be exposed — possibly for the rest of his (un)natural life. To date, standard DNA-driven otaku have been marked by their pasty complexions, but no more! Through the magic of science, we’ve developed an artificial skin that will tan in the glow of fluorescent lights, LCD monitors and televisions, and even cathode tubes. Thus we’ve created an otaku that will look healthy as a California bikini model even after watching the entire range of Tenchi Muyo series in one sitting. OK, well… let’s not exaggerate too much. We’ll need to invent those Doritos and soda pops that don’t make you sloppy fat.

Schizophrenia (beanbrew)

So you want to be the perfect otaku?  The perfect otaku will need to be able to interact with the 2D girls he loves!  Sure you could go about funding research into artificial intelligence, robotics, prosthetics, and the like, why would you want to risk having humanity being overthrown by mavericks and sending the world into several hundred years of strife?  It would make an awesome game, sure, but they would eventually jump the shark and the real solution is much simpler and much closer to home.  You just need to use your brain!  That’s right, folks, your brain!  With but a single rank in Schizophrenia, you will be one step closer to the perfect otaku and you will be able to talk with any, and we mean any, 2D girl that strikes your mind’s fancy!  Order today!

Warning: side effects include delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, grossly disorganized behaviour, affective flattening, alogia, social or occupational dysfunction, and/or avolition.  Your mind’s fancy may or may not include the girl you want to talk to, may or may not talk to you in the desired manner, may or may not be a hideous deformed monster imagined by a subconscious twisted by years of abuse as a child.  No refunds, no buybacks, offer not valid in Nebraska, New Zealand, and where otherwise rendered void by statute.  Invest in at your own risk.

Selective Memory (Maggeh)

The ability to memorize not only a character’s name, but that character’s voice actor, all the episodes the character appeared in and the lyrics to the character’s solo single is a divine one, and many less otaku wonder if it has been given to the perfect otaku by the gods. Yet, even this perfect memory has its limits. Whether the perfect otaku be man or woman, human or robot, there is a boundary of memory that cannot be surpassed. The solution, then, is to be able to single out the most important bits of information - that is, anything regarding to the otakusphere - and throw away the useless trash.

The perfect otaku has achieved a state of nirvana - enlightenment - that gives him full control over his memories. Everything he has seen, heard and so on in his life are at his whim. He may choose to forget about the trivial stuff, such as his family, his friends (except the perfect otaku doesn’t have friends) and an overall concern for personal hygiene so that he can concentrate on his one and only love in life… his precious Mikuru-tan. And believe you me, he knows EVERYTHING about her. Why wouldn’t he? It’s all there… in his memory.

Ability to Live Off Junk Food (Riceisnice)

I think about being an otaku, when I sometimes act as one, I notice that the food my otaku self eats turns out to be really bad. It is not because I am poor, or there aren’t any “wholesome” food stores nearby, I am just to damn glued to the screen. The media always says you will get fat, diabetes, superCANCER, etc… from eating a continual stream of junk food. Of course, we can’t have our anti-social lover of luscious drawings die on us. Therefore, I propose the creation of a super otaku who can down streams of soda and consume moutains of microwave potato bakes. An otaku who wants to watch his/her shows without missing a second of animated goodness should be able to tolerate high levels of refried butter lardcakes without suffering multiple heart valve malfunctions. Because basically, that is what most snacks, like twinkies, are in essence.

Even though otaku like to think of themselves as invincible to the dangers of the 3-D world, it is sadly not the case. What better way to enforce our delusional fantasies then by eliminating the worries of a healthy diet, along with healthy relationships with those “normal” people? The Perfect Otaku can take a double dose of Big-Macs for 40 days, and 40 nights, and still be able to get his/her ass to the store to buy manga/anime/figures. Oh and not being in the same weight class as a truck would be an added bonus!

Self-Reproduction (Sakura)

Lets face it, if this otaku wants to have offspring to pass on their love of anime to. Well, they are going to have to produce that offspring all on their own and I mean that literally.

Because interaction with other humans and therefore members of the opposite sex is limited to talking through the life sucking box of doom they download all their glorious shows to.

In the rare event contact is made with the opposite sex, the encounter is usually brief, full of embarrassment and shame for our hapless otaku and ends in them locking themselves in their home for months on end until they might dare to try the venture again.

Sadly they are probably all too familiar with the dips and valleys of their own flesh since its probably the only naked form they have seen that isn’t animated. If they ever want to experience the joy of cultivating a new life, well they are just going to have to find some way to get the job done themselves.

Splice some frog DNA in there and bobs your uncle. Imagine, no having to worry about dating, or about if your arse looks fat in those sparkly pants.  You won’t have to worry about whether or not they’ll laugh at you naked etc etc.  Just decide you wanna reproduce, self fertilize yourself and you’re all set to bring the next generation of otaku into this world.

And there you have it. He or she who posses these six traits are well on their way to (d)evolving into that which lesser, normal humans can never even dream of becoming. Of course we all know this is not a complete list for otaku possess many other even more terrifying flaws powers. What’re yours?