Oi, Hayaku!

Hi. I didn’t sign up for this bullshit. I’m an Absolute Angel, not a writer. As such, do not expect great things. If you’ll recall, Absolute Angels are the relic of an Awesome Anime, and as such I feel inclined to remain true to my roots. I will be Analyzing Akasaka, another Awesome Anime. Specifically, I will be blogging episode nine.

What? Surprise you? Yeah. I haven’t done much episodic blogging in a long time, and neither has this site.

I bet you don’t even remember the last time this site saw any episodic blogging! Similarly, I bet you don’t remember when Akasaka 09 aired. The observant reader who watches too much bad excellent anime will know why this is. I’m going to leave those who avoid bad anime deprive themselves to their own devices as far as figuring out the “why” goes.

Without further ado, let’s take a peek at Akane-iro ni Somaru Saka 09.

Yuuhi is doing anonymity wrong

You(hii) wa Shock! Jun and Minato are going on a love-love date to the nearby convenience store. Yuuhi decides to follow them to make sure that her prospective husband is not participating in an illicit sexual relationship with his younger sister. Just when I thought Yuuhi couldn’t get anymore idiotically adorably clumsier, she decides that those barbell-shaped color:rgba(0,0,0,1) shades she wore back in episode one would be a good way to hide her identity in the case that anyone she knows catches her stalking her classmate/fiancé/punching bag.

Yeah. It doesn’t work so well, as she’s just about the only person in the world who would wear those.

Unfortunately for Yuuhi, she has barely locked the door when Karen struts by.

My, my, Miss Katagiri-pie!

Karen is, needless to say, shocked. Yuuhi threatens to rape Karen with a flute should the blonde divulge any secrets, so in a cowardly tasteful display of self-censorship the producers decide to have Karen smile sweetly and promise Yuuhi not to tell. (In the game, Yuuhi produces the flute. Hottest scene evar.)

Yuuhi, intimidated by her bad luck and sure that should she continue to stalk Jun and Minato she will no doubt encounter an octopus of epic proportions, decides to stay home.

I’d like to be / Under the sea

Unfortunately for our heroine’s reputation…

“What was that about keeping it a secret?”

… Karen of course divulges everything to the entire class. She details all the explicit sex scenes she spectated involving Yuuhi and Jun. She’s of course making it all up, but high school students engaging in wanton sexual acts are so common that the class believes it all without a single raised eyebrow. She goes on to detail all the explicit sex scenes she spectated involving Yuuhi and Minato.

“She’s a dirty lesbian!”
- Ayanokouji Karen, Akane-iro ni Somaru Saka 09, [08:37]

Yuuhi, not to be outdone in extravagance by her equally rich, equally stuck-up, equally bitchy classmate fabulous love rival, yells “I’ll lesbian you! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!?!?!” She then focuses on the one thing she really, really wants, and proceeds to quantum divide her hand into a flute as thick, chaotic speed lines take over the screen. At this point, I started thinking to myself, “man, anime just hasn’t been the same since Lucky Star came and parodied every show ever.” But that feeling of disappointment, nay, of despair did not last long.

I don’t think the rape scene lasted long either because prime-time television generally isn’t pornography. I think the homeroom teacher came and broke it up. I actually don’t know, as by the time I had depleted my reservoirs of blood through my nose, fallen unconscious, and recovered, the episode was, thankfully, over. I didn’t go back and watch the scenes I’d missed.

Krauser-san keeps it real.

In conclusion, I’d like to posit that Akasaka is in fact the best show of this season. I know I’ve done a lot of waffling on this topic, saying first that it was Earl and Fairy… and then Kurogane no Linebarrels… and then Ga-Rei Zero… and then Earl and Fairy again. I know I might need to get on my hands and knees and beg you all to believe me, but I’m willing to do that. In fact, let me go do that right now. I can’t type too well once I’m prostrate at your feet, so, as they say on YouTube, “good-bye, Chaaaarlieeeee.”